Look, even the Crisco Lineman Battle needs a bye week. It got one last week. But after some serious R & R, the greased up throwdown is back for a very big week as the undefeated Pats prepare to take on fellow 5-0 Dallas.
Dan Koppen may be the key to the integrity of the Patriot offensive line, but can he handle a greased up Marcus Spears?
Any time a team is undefeated, it’s a pretty safe bet that its offensive and defensive lines are doing their job pretty well. That’s certainly the case in both New England and Dallas, with the Pats running game humming and Cowboys finding ways to bring pressure on both the defensive and offensive sides of the ball.
So, why take second-tier rushers into a steel cage when you can bring the big dogs? Why use reserves when you can have Pats center Dan Koppen try to hold off Marcus Spears?
Let’s start the analysis with Spears’ bona fides. The third-year defensive end has upheld the sterling reputation he brought from LSU, proving that he can get to almost any quarterback and create havoc throughout a game. Despite missing parts of training camp with an injured knee (for the second straight year) last fall, Spears returned with a vengeance, started all 16 games and put together a sterling first full season. He had 48 tackles on the season - 31 solo stops - and one sack to go with three tackles for loss and a handful of quarterback pressure.
Spears is big. The former LSU champ stands 6-foot-4 and weighs in at a beefy 305 pounds. He’s quick, with good footwork and an ability to chase down almost any opponent. Want proof? In Vince Young’s first start, Spears was the player who led his team’s defensive line in tackles. End of story.
Luckily, the Pats player tapped for the chore of stopping Spears is no rookie himself. Koppen has led New England’s offensive line through much of its renaissance, starting a whopping 46 consecutive games between 2003 and 2005. He was one of the main road graders for Corey Dillon’s record-setting 2004 season, and has taken leadership of one of the most consistent units in professional football.
That being said, Koppen has a distinct size advantage in this one. Not only does Spears have a good 2 inches on his offensive blocker, he also has a full 10 pounds. And those 10 pounds are significant, as Spears has a tendency to play with the force of a 320 or 325-pound pass rusher rather than a 305 run stopper. It’s uncanny.
Now, with the grease piled on, who would be more elusive? It’s a legitimate question worth pondering. While Koppen makes his living by being deceptively sturdy, Spears does so by mixing stand-up stopping with slippery moves on the edge.
Marcus Spears is large, in-charge and a serious threat on the field. And that’s before you cover him in Crisco.
The more you think about it, the more Spears starts to sound unstoppable with the Crisco advantage. And while it hurts us to say it, we really can’t see Koppen holding him back forever.
So, with much regret, we have to announce this week’s Crisco Lineman Battle Champion as … Dallas defensive end Marcus Spears.
Yeah, yeah, we hear the boos, but you have to admit, Spears has a unique blend of talents that only look better when grease is added to the equation. The man is huge, mobile and a deadly hitter. He proved it in college and is starting to in the pros as well. Just watch Sunday.
Will a New England lineman get back in the win column of the Crisco Battle next week? Is there hope for Koppen’s fellow linemates or their defensive counterparts against the Dolphins … in Miami?
It’s that time again folks! What time, Cam? Time to breakdown the weekly Crisco Lineman Battle! With the Bills in town Sunday for the annual Foxborough ass kicking, there’s plenty of Buffalo targets ready to be pushed around on the line.
New Bill Derrick Dockery picked the wrong time to leave Washington, but he did put himself in a great position for the Crisco Lineman Battle!
Now, after some deep thought and social contract reading (the Pats are so Hobbesian, aren’t they?), we’ve decided that the Crisco Lineman Battle is going to have a playoff showdown after the regular season. That way, we can decide which lineman truly is best in greased up pits. All puns intended.
Of course, that means that last week’s winner, Logan Mankins, and his late 80s pickup truck are in the playoffs. Now the question is whether he’ll be joined by a Patriot or a sturdy Buffalo bruiser.
With last week taking a New England offensive slant, we want a Pats D-lineman to get in on the action this week. Still, this is Buffalo, so New England doesn’t want to waste a top DL pull man like Vince Wilfork or Jarvis Green, do they?
We don’t think so, so we’re pushing second-year man LeKevin Smith of Nebraska into the ring. Who’s heading in to rep Buffalo, you ask? That one’s easy: 6-foot-6 OL Derrick Dockery of Texas fame.
Now, as might be expected, Dockery has a significant size advantage at a whopping 330 pounds. Smith, meanwhile, is both four inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter.
And while Smith has proved both surprisngly fast and slippery early in his career, Dockery may be even more impressive with those skills. He made his career in college blocking for backs who weren’t afraid to bounce outside the tackle box - Cedric Benson and Broncos reserve Selvin Young come to mind - and he was never shy to run the corner and lay out men downfield to clear the way.
So, here’s how the matchup looks based on skill set alone: Smith has a speed advantage, but it’s smart. Meanwhile, Dockery has a significant size edge, and may even have an edge in mobility. Smith’s slipperiness (is that a word? It is in the Crisco Lineman Battle!) would definitely help him out, and over the course of a long, drag out lineman fight in a pit, it might be a huge edge.
Yummmm, grease fat! Don’t forget to throw it on the dogs when watching the Pats run away with one on Sunday!
Still, it seems hard to believe that slipperiness and speed could overcome such a size edge, particularly with Dockery’s legacy of opening up running lanes.
That means this week’s winner is … Buffalo’s Derrick Dockery! I know, I know, it hurts to have a Pat lose in the Crisco Lineman Battle before the team loses on the field. But that doesn’t mean that Dockery will make a run deeper into the playoffs. After all, he’ll have the likes of Mankins to contend with.
Nonetheless, that’ll be more playoffs than the Bills will see themselves. So congratulations Derrick, bask in win while you can.
As the Belichick furor starts to dim a bit - you can tell from the general press headlines shifting from caustic analysis to jocular matter-of-factness - its time to move on to the last Belichick controversy.
That, of course, would be the brief feud he had last year with San Diego’s do-everything superstar LaDanian Tomlinson. It was quick, snippy, expressive of a legitimate vendetta and, after last week’s Spy Kids episode, a moment that suddenly has new legs.
What happened to all the talk about the last Belichick controversy?
It wouldn’t necessarily have to have new legs, but it does because Tomlinson is, well, Tomlinson. Amidst the drive to dig up any news about the sketchy video techniques used by Billy B and his CCCP cronies, one prominent media member thought to call Tomlinson and get his take on his upcoming opponent.
Naturally, Tomlinson was more than happy to oblige.
“I think the Patriots actually live by the saying, ‘If you’re not treating, you’re not trying,’ ” a chucking Tomlinson said Monday. “They live off that statement. Nothing surprises me really.
“You keep hearing the different stories about stuff that they do.”
You keep hearing the different stories about stuff they do? Really? We hadn’t heard that. Certainly, the acquisition of Randy Moss in the offseason might be a bit of a smudge on the old sterling franchise reputation, but it hardly brands the Pats as a football Lazarus.
Neither does a spying scandal, despite what a number of columnists at papers local and of a much broader scope might tell you. The Pats aren’t the only team spying, they’re just the only team stupid and/or brash enough to spy at the same place they’ve already been caught. And to do it with the same guy - Matt Estrella - who was caught the last time.
The fact that spying happens all the time in the NFL is anything but a secret. It’s also anything but a secret that San Diego will use Tomlinson as a triple-threat - in case you forgot, he threw for a touchdown last week - and that Tomlinson wants to pound the Pats. Badly.
That’s where defensive leaders like Tedy Bruschi come in. The big beer man has far too much pride to be run over by a running back, no matter how shifty he is. And with the linebacker corps actually healthy for a chance, Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, former Charger Junior Seau and co. should be more than ready and willing to frustrate San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers.
Then again, shouldn’t we be talking about Seau’s own hopes of vengeance/repentance here? Shouldn’t Junior be getting some ink, with reporters comparing and contrasting his quest to Tomlinson’s? Isn’t that a great storyline?
Not with the Spy Kids around. Which means we can all forget about hearing any of it, at least until the teams meet again the playoffs.
We take this brief break from your non-stop Bill Belichick news to bring you the first in a 2,567 part series: the Crisco lineman battle!
You can never have enough Crisco! Oh wait, yes you can. You definitely can.
This week the Pats host the team from sunny San Diego, which Will Ferrell tells us is Spanish for a whale’s vagina, to take on the super-trendy Chargers. As a result of last week’s impressive victories by both teams, there’ll be plenty of focus on which AFC contender can get the most “penetration” through to the other team’s “backfield”.
In case that analysis didn’t have enough sexual innuendo for you, try this: we’re going to pit a Pats lineman and his counterpart against each other in a straight rushing battle, but we want to add one wrinkle … we’re going to cover them in Crisco.
That’s right, two big fat men wrestling with each other wearing tight clothing in pads is just no fun. You need vegetable oil. Hence, the Crisco challenge. This week’s contenders for the Crisco crown are 6-foot-6, 309-pound defensive end Igor Olshansky of the Chargers and 6-4, 310 right guard Logan Mankins of the Pats.
Believe it or not, it’s a much more interesting and intruiging matchup than you may think. While neither Olshansky or Mankins is completely massive, both are quick and adept with contact on the line. That means that both will move even better when greased up with the oil of choice.
Olshanksy’s a big dude, but can he slide?
While Olshanky’s height should give him an early advantage, we’re giving Mankins the Crisco edge over the course of the match. Mankins is one of the most durable linemen in the league, and his stout presence should stand up against Olshansky’s over the top grabs. Mankins also has a decided experience edge because of Foxborough’s weather, which is much more Crisco like than the San Diego turf. Before the Pats installed FieldTurf half way through last season, Gilette Stadium was a perpetual muck fest, which is exactly what a Crisco pit would feel like.
So, in the end, Mankins is the Week One Crisco champion, by a 5-2 judges decision. Who will next week’s contestants be? And who will find a new swim move to use in pits of vegetable oil? Even more important, when will we get the 1950’s soundtrack to this final paragraph, complete with Shadow theme music?
The answers will all come in time my friends. Until then, stay tuned for further football and vegetable oil updates.
It’s not a question of whether other teams do it or not, it’s a question of whether they get caught. The answer, in all cases except those involving the Pats, is that they do not.
Billy boy could be in for a suspension if NFL Commish Roger Goodell decides he knew his assistant was violating league protocol.
That’s what makes the ongoing Belichick-gate scandal all the more amazing: the Patriots blatantly thought they could get away with an open violation of NFL code. They thought they could ignore a recent memorandum - which, incidentally, was sent out with direct aim at past Pats actions - and cheat exactly as they had in the past. They even thought they could use an employee who’d already been caught video-taping signs at a prior game to do the dirty work.
Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? What kind of an egomaniac thinks he can walk right over the entire league’s regulations? What kind of an idiot thinks he can have an underling cheat for his cause, get caught, and then cheat again?
Clearly, that egomaniac is Bill Belichick.
Before we go any further, let’s make one thing clear: the Pats are not the only team trying to videotape signs. They’re probably not the only team dumb enough to have a video staffer on the sidelines trying to do so, but they might be. Regardless, other teams are shooting sidelines trying to catch little ticks and hand signs that might give away defensive formations, and until the NFL allows teams to put communication devices in defensive helmets, these maneuverings are going to continue.
The difference is that the Pats have been caught red handed doing exactly this in the past. Video assistant Matt Estrella was nailed by league officials in Green Bay last year, after the Packers had been forewarned of a possible Pats sign stealing operation. And CBS analyst Charlie Casserly, the former GM of the Houston Texans, said that the Patriots had been caught trying to tape signs and been warned not to repeat the offense by league officials more than once.
There’s no end of talking head advice about what should happen to Yoda and his hoodie.
So, is the current scandal the result of general sloppiness or just brazen intellectual elitism by a coach who has grown even larger than his grandiose reputation? That’s a hard question to answer. In the end, regardless of response, it’s a big loss for the Pats, probably via either high draft picks or that very brazen coach himself.
Welcome kid! That leg of yours sure does look good. Now, good luck keeping it that way for an entire season. You better be able to do it.
Allright Danny, it’s go time. Now go kick.
Look, we know you were on the practice squad last season. We know you looked good all winter, kicking the snow, and wind and rain. We know your leg is significantly stronger than veteran Josh Miller and that Bill Belichick decided you were so good he didn’t need to keep former USC phenom Tom Malone around.
In case you didn’t notice in that whole, extended stretch of time, this aint Arizona anymore. This is New England. This is snow. And wind. And rain. And crappy, crappy weather. All season long.
This is a place where Todd Sauerbrun could have justified using his steroids. This is a place where his deep distance punting was so impressive in the playoffs last year that fans would have welcomed him back regardless of drugging and doping problems.
After all, this is Belichickland, the wonderful world of make believe and make it happen, where only results are talked about and only contributors are acknowledged. As much as your development has been a touching story - and believe me, it has - if you go out and start pooching 20-yard botches into the wind, the ol’ Yoda of hoodies will have you on the street in 15 minutes. Maybe 14 if it’s the right day.
So keep that leg in shape. And keep the pressure on yourself. Evidently it’s served you well so far, if you can keep the heat on you with self-inflicted heat, you might not even notice the oncoming brutal cold.
Can the Pats just make Jon Bon Jovi an official assistant coach already? I mean, the guy’s logging the hours and travel time from New Jersey!
It’s my life, and it’s now or never. He doesn’t want to coach forever!
That’s right, the king oflate ’80’s hair rock - and really, if you’re going to be a king, isn’t that what you want as your dominion? - hung out around Gilette Stadium again yesterday for the team’s two practice sessions. No word on whether he had his own gray hoodie stenciled with “JBJ” or a microphone to sing “Who Say’s, You Can’t Go Home?”, after which we imagine Richard Seymour would have promptly told him he was welcome to go home after all.
Look, everyone knows that Bill Belichick has attained a certain level of celebrity stardom with the success of recent seasons. Florida coach Urban Meyer and Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops? Those are no brainers, smart football coaches who are always looking to adapt, much like Billy B. Tony La Russa? Fine, they’re both World Champion coaches. Bob Knight? That tests the moral sensibilities of New England a bit, but hey, I think people can come to grips with it.
Jon Bon Jovi? Are you serious?
Here’s the thing: Yes, Bon Jovi is technically the owner of a football franchise, if you can swallow the Arena League as football. Yes, he is a noted fan and football lunatic. Yes, he has great celebrity hair.
Someone take the Pats jersey off that man. Immediately. They don’t even allow 0’s before numbers in the NFL. Come on!
But how does that make it understandable that the coach of a Boston team would constantly cavort with a New Jersey native, born, bred and, most horrifically, proud! How has this not been met with total outrage already? Where are the screams for Bon Jovi’s field passes to be revoked? Where is Myra Kraft to say that it threatens the moral fiber of the team?
More importantly, where’s my Bad Medicine CD? That thing is going out. Right now.
