Entries Tagged 'Crisco Lineman Battle!' ↓

Look, even the Crisco Lineman Battle needs a bye week. It got one last week. But after some serious R & R, the greased up throwdown is back for a very big week as the undefeated Pats prepare to take on fellow 5-0 Dallas.

Dan Koppen may be the key to the integrity of the Patriot offensive line, but can he handle a greased up Marcus Spears?

Any time a team is undefeated, it’s a pretty safe bet that its offensive and defensive lines are doing their job pretty well. That’s certainly the case in both New England and Dallas, with the Pats running game humming and Cowboys finding ways to bring pressure on both the defensive and offensive sides of the ball.

So, why take second-tier rushers into a steel cage when you can bring the big dogs? Why use reserves when you can have Pats center Dan Koppen try to hold off Marcus Spears?

Let’s start the analysis with Spears’ bona fides. The third-year defensive end has upheld the sterling reputation he brought from LSU, proving that he can get to almost any quarterback and create havoc throughout a game. Despite missing parts of training camp with an injured knee (for the second straight year) last fall, Spears returned with a vengeance, started all 16 games and put together a sterling first full season. He had 48 tackles on the season - 31 solo stops - and one sack to go with three tackles for loss and a handful of quarterback pressure.

Spears is big. The former LSU champ stands 6-foot-4 and weighs in at a beefy 305 pounds. He’s quick, with good footwork and an ability to chase down almost any opponent. Want proof? In Vince Young’s first start, Spears was the player who led his team’s defensive line in tackles. End of story.

Luckily, the Pats player tapped for the chore of stopping Spears is no rookie himself. Koppen has led New England’s offensive line through much of its renaissance, starting a whopping 46 consecutive games between 2003 and 2005. He was one of the main road graders for Corey Dillon’s record-setting 2004 season, and has taken leadership of one of the most consistent units in professional football.

That being said, Koppen has a distinct size advantage in this one. Not only does Spears have a good 2 inches on his offensive blocker, he also has a full 10 pounds. And those 10 pounds are significant, as Spears has a tendency to play with the force of a 320 or 325-pound pass rusher rather than a 305 run stopper. It’s uncanny.

Now, with the grease piled on, who would be more elusive? It’s a legitimate question worth pondering. While Koppen makes his living by being deceptively sturdy, Spears does so by mixing stand-up stopping with slippery moves on the edge.

Marcus Spears is large, in-charge and a serious threat on the field. And that’s before you cover him in Crisco.

The more you think about it, the more Spears starts to sound unstoppable with the Crisco advantage. And while it hurts us to say it, we really can’t see Koppen holding him back forever.

So, with much regret, we have to announce this week’s Crisco Lineman Battle Champion as … Dallas defensive end Marcus Spears.

Yeah, yeah, we hear the boos, but you have to admit, Spears has a unique blend of talents that only look better when grease is added to the equation. The man is huge, mobile and a deadly hitter. He proved it in college and is starting to in the pros as well. Just watch Sunday.

Will a New England lineman get back in the win column of the Crisco Battle next week? Is there hope for Koppen’s fellow linemates or their defensive counterparts against the Dolphins … in Miami?

We’ll find out next Wednesday.

– Cameron Smith

Oh, you thought the Crisco Lineman Battle would dry up after a couple of weeks? As ESPN’s Lee Corso would say, “Not so fast my friends!”

Mike Myers is a beast. Not quite to a Shrek or Halloween level, but a beast nonetheless.

No, this Monday the Pats visit Cincinnati for a second-straight season, heading into a matchup with the 1-2 Bengals that Cincinnati desperately needs. Of course, the Pats could use a fourth-straight victory, too, but urgency will clearly be more prevalent on the part of Cincinnati.

And one of those emotionally charged Bengals will be defensive tackle Mike Myers - doesn’t he have the most under-utilized great name in football? - a man who’s line-leading 80 tackles a year ago included a handful of stops against the elusive Laurence Maroney and one-time bruiser Corey Dillon.

This year? Don’t expect to see the same thing twice. That’s because Myers will be pushing up against themost cohesive o-line in football so far, a unit that includes guard Stephen Neal.

It may not be the most tantalizing Crisco matchup possible, but it might be the most fair. Just look at the numbers. Myers stands 6-foot-2 and weighs in at a beefy, and perhaps underrated, 300 pounds. Contrast that with the more lanky Neal, 6 foot 6 and 305 pounds, and you have a dominant size advantage but little else. And with Myers mobility and slipperiness, tht would seem to give him an edge, perhaps one of the few that the Bengals will have this weekend.

But that’s not looking deep enough. That analysis doesn’t consider Neal’s background.

Before Neal came to New England, he was an international wrestler, once ranked as high as No. 1 in the world, wrestling in matches as far away as Colombia and Bulgaria.

Yet Neal wasn’t comfortable with his international exploits, preferring instead to send out an inquiry tape to football general managers and coaches. One of the first tapes went to Bill Belichick.

Five years later, Neal is a top offensive lineman, helping limit defenses and open holes for running backs and protect Tom Brady alike.

Stephen Neal has seen this whole wrestling thing before, so it’s not really a fair fight between him and anyone else. Like trying to duel against a man with a mustache.

And could he protect Brady from Myers? It’s likely. Could he do it in a pit of vegetable oil, with another man? Absolutely.

While Myers might have a football advantage, Neal’s wrestling background not only gives him a clear Crisco Lineman Battle advantage, but also in the entire season-long competition. Perhaps even well into the playoffs.

So, there’s no surprise when Neal takes this week’s matchup at the end of the day. The only question is whether he will be able to keep rolling when the Crisco playoffs come around.

And, of course, whether he can duplicate the success on the field at Paul Brown Stadium on Monday. It says here he has a good shot, perhaps even a fighter’s chance.

– Cameron Smith

It’s that time again folks! What time, Cam? Time to breakdown the weekly Crisco Lineman Battle! With the Bills in town Sunday for the annual Foxborough ass kicking, there’s plenty of Buffalo targets ready to be pushed around on the line.

New Bill Derrick Dockery picked the wrong time to leave Washington, but he did put himself in a great position for the Crisco Lineman Battle!

Now, after some deep thought and social contract reading (the Pats are so Hobbesian, aren’t they?), we’ve decided that the Crisco Lineman Battle is going to have a playoff showdown after the regular season. That way, we can decide which lineman truly is best in greased up pits. All puns intended.

Of course, that means that last week’s winner, Logan Mankins, and his late 80s pickup truck are in the playoffs. Now the question is whether he’ll be joined by a Patriot or a sturdy Buffalo bruiser.

With last week taking a New England offensive slant, we want a Pats D-lineman to get in on the action this week. Still, this is Buffalo, so New England doesn’t want to waste a top DL pull man like Vince Wilfork or Jarvis Green, do they?

We don’t think so, so we’re pushing second-year man LeKevin Smith of Nebraska into the ring. Who’s heading in to rep Buffalo, you ask? That one’s easy: 6-foot-6 OL Derrick Dockery of Texas fame.

Now, as might be expected, Dockery has a significant size advantage at a whopping 330 pounds. Smith, meanwhile, is both four inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter.

And while Smith has proved both surprisngly fast and slippery early in his career, Dockery may be even more impressive with those skills. He made his career in college blocking for backs who weren’t afraid to bounce outside the tackle box - Cedric Benson and Broncos reserve Selvin Young come to mind - and he was never shy to run the corner and lay out men downfield to clear the way.

So, here’s how the matchup looks based on skill set alone: Smith has a speed advantage, but it’s smart. Meanwhile, Dockery has a significant size edge, and may even have an edge in mobility. Smith’s slipperiness (is that a word? It is in the Crisco Lineman Battle!) would definitely help him out, and over the course of a long, drag out lineman fight in a pit, it might be a huge edge.

Yummmm, grease fat! Don’t forget to throw it on the dogs when watching the Pats run away with one on Sunday!

Still, it seems hard to believe that slipperiness and speed could overcome such a size edge, particularly with Dockery’s legacy of opening up running lanes.

That means this week’s winner is … Buffalo’s Derrick Dockery! I know, I know, it hurts to have a Pat lose in the Crisco Lineman Battle before the team loses on the field. But that doesn’t mean that Dockery will make a run deeper into the playoffs. After all, he’ll have the likes of Mankins to contend with.

Nonetheless, that’ll be more playoffs than the Bills will see themselves. So congratulations Derrick, bask in win while you can.

Who knows when you’ll get another one.

– Cameron Smith

We take this brief break from your non-stop Bill Belichick news to bring you the first in a 2,567 part series: the Crisco lineman battle!

You can never have enough Crisco! Oh wait, yes you can. You definitely can.

This week the Pats host the team from sunny San Diego, which Will Ferrell tells us is Spanish for a whale’s vagina, to take on the super-trendy Chargers. As a result of last week’s impressive victories by both teams, there’ll be plenty of focus on which AFC contender can get the most “penetration” through to the other team’s “backfield”.

In case that analysis didn’t have enough sexual innuendo for you, try this: we’re going to pit a Pats lineman and his counterpart against each other in a straight rushing battle, but we want to add one wrinkle … we’re going to cover them in Crisco.

That’s right, two big fat men wrestling with each other wearing tight clothing in pads is just no fun. You need vegetable oil. Hence, the Crisco challenge. This week’s contenders for the Crisco crown are 6-foot-6, 309-pound defensive end Igor Olshansky of the Chargers and 6-4, 310 right guard Logan Mankins of the Pats.

Believe it or not, it’s a much more interesting and intruiging matchup than you may think. While neither Olshansky or Mankins is completely massive, both are quick and adept with contact on the line. That means that both will move even better when greased up with the oil of choice.

Olshanksy’s a big dude, but can he slide?

While Olshanky’s height should give him an early advantage, we’re giving Mankins the Crisco edge over the course of the match. Mankins is one of the most durable linemen in the league, and his stout presence should stand up against Olshansky’s over the top grabs. Mankins also has a decided experience edge because of Foxborough’s weather, which is much more Crisco like than the San Diego turf. Before the Pats installed FieldTurf half way through last season, Gilette Stadium was a perpetual muck fest, which is exactly what a Crisco pit would feel like.

So, in the end, Mankins is the Week One Crisco champion, by a 5-2 judges decision. Who will next week’s contestants be? And who will find a new swim move to use in pits of vegetable oil? Even more important, when will we get the 1950’s soundtrack to this final paragraph, complete with Shadow theme music?

The answers will all come in time my friends. Until then, stay tuned for further football and vegetable oil updates.

– Cameron Smith